my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
