I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
