Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
