Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
