I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
