after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Randomize
