I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
