That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
