I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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