My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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