new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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