She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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