you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
