my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
