my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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