Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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