Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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