I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
