ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
so let's talk penis.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
