you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
