He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
