My Higher Power is John Stamos
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
