I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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