He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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