I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
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i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
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the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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