I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
