Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
