Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
