I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
