I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
