Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
