i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
