i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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