I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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