I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
