he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
