All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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