i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
