I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
