I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just forgot I was standing up.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
