Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
