I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
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He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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