i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He had one of those small greek statue penises
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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