Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
