Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
