So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
