I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
