who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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