I cannot find my penis.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
