True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
