i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
