Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
