i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
