So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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