I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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