I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
