So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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