I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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