No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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