Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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