I feel great
I just peed on a car
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
