i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
